I don't know what to say anymore.1000 things to mention spring to mind but none seem very important.
I'm battling with the depression that has plagued me for the last 5 years and sometimes I feel like it's winning.
Some days I'll leave work having been bubbly, fun and accomodating, and I'll leave feeling dead inside.
Other days I believe I have one of the biggest claims of negligence going. And I cry and I cry and I cry... and the fact that no one knows I'm crying... because I'm on my own compounds the pain and the feeling of neglect and I cry more...
And it's not just wallowing in my own misery, there's an anger there as well, the main factor that I would self-harm... I had no outlet. I exercise to vent the frustration now, but it's weird. I don't know what I'm angry at. And in the rare case I know what I'm angry at... I don't know how to justify being THIS angry. Which is a viscious circle because of course, it makes me think I'm a complete wacko so I feel like a punk and begin to cry... like a punk.
I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if I was a really supportive person and wanted to get to know other depressives, but the idea of having a Team Daria depresses the crap out of me. Seriously. Depressed people iritate me - what were we saying about the anger?
A psychic I met.. who met me... whilst walking through St James' Park the other week zoned in on this... I'm depressed but there's anger to it, as well.
It frustrates me because I want to turn to Matt, but at the same time I don't know how to and I don't feel like I can ultimately burst into flames, sorry, tears and say "look, your girlfriend is a mess... I don't know how to deal with it, do you have any bright ideas?" Because mainly I know his bright ideas include the phrases "Don't beat yourself up about it" "Nothing's that bad" and "Why do you worry so much"
To be honest, it's not really me beating myself about anything. Most of the time I think I'm great, I just don't understand why other people don't think so.
Other things that have been bothering me over the past 20 years is that I've never been in a group. I've never belonged to a group, gang, pack, covern, constellation, gathering, clique, people, congregation, flock, or cult. I've identified why, and I'm trying to build myself up to accepting it. It's only because I take strong dislikings to instrumental characters within a main group and pick and choose my friends in said group. Take one of the "gangs" at work. The back office. There's 4 of them. I like 3 of them. But the dislike I have for the 4th means that I will never go to lunch with them, and I will never go for drinks after work with them when said 4th is invited as well. My dislike for the 4th one is so extreme that I can't comfortably talk in front of that person... to another person, in a one on one conversation. I just can't. It has nothing to do with my confidence, I am an incredibly confident person. I can assure you that no matter how unhappy I become, I will always be able to purchase a newspaper from my local store and tell the guy at the till off for charging me too much.
I just take dislikings to people.
I mean, I don't want that to sound like I'm judgemental. I'm not. But you only get one chance with me. And the 4th person here was rude to me on our first meeting. So now I am making it pay.
Depressed, Angry, Vindictive.
Yeah, I'm everyone's potential new best friend.
Anyway, you've been great, thank you for watching (my life fall apart)
<<|>>
--------- e v e r y t h i n g b u t t h e g i r l ---------
Reflection - 2008-07-19
sleep vs awake - 2008-07-19
It's like space cadet, but not. - 2006-06-22
Lucky Me - 2006-05-13
In memory - 2006-01-15
