winter always brings this feeling of home for me.

but this year it feels like the nest is empty. probably b/c it is, probably b/c last year i found my little family of friends in sixth form who appreciated the same things i did and talked the same way i did and liked to hang out in badly lit, dingy 18th century pubs that played gumby music like i did. and drank coffee and philosiphied and analysed eachother like i did.

they're all at uni this year. and music man is in the nile.

and it occurs to me that however much i wanted to rip their heads off at any one time, i loved them like brothers and sisters and i loved who they were. b/c they were and probably still are movers and shakers.

and we were eccentric together. we danced in the common room and wore 1920s bob wigs and held cigarette holders and spoke in lyrics and everyone gave us strange looks that were really jealous and full of admiration.

b/c we could walk up to eachother and scream "oh darling! oh darling! i missed you! how i missed you so much" and we could let eachother writhe on us and dance and act drunk when we really werent. and watch leaving las vegas and swim at midnight

and the majority smoked. i smoked. she smoked, he smoked French cigarettes that i never learnt to enjoy but thought it was cool that he did, she didnt smoke and she didnt drink but she mutilated herself and that's why we loved eachother.

she used to cry herself to sleep because she had bad taste in men and we all knew it. we were miniature 30 yr olds who had nothing to live for but had everything, too.

and they're gone and now i'm the strange one.

thats why i loved being in Kate's room the other night. we consumed no drugs nor alcohol, but we smoked through the 3 hours we were together. talking about men and stupid people and how we used to be.

i love reminiscing. but i'm so jealous of the past.

and it occurs to me now that i will be taking a year out next year and i will set myself back another year, into a group of people who have lost the faith of being themselves. the people who dont understand that Brian Warner wanted to create something original but failed impressively because no one knows how to be themselves. no one knows how to enjoy the music without killing themselves for it.

no one knows how to enjoy life.

and i'm one of them.

my nail varnish is pink today. i need to remove it.

<<|>>

--------- e v e r y t h i n g b u t t h e g i r l ---------

Reflection - 2008-07-19
sleep vs awake - 2008-07-19
It's like space cadet, but not. - 2006-06-22
Lucky Me - 2006-05-13
In memory - 2006-01-15