my brain knows something i don't know.

i'm so pathetic, i embarassed myself so much today. *rolls eyes* i mean.. i was in work, doing my routine shit like answering the phones, typing, doing work.

slowly the phonecalls mashed themselves into one long drone, voices were just background noise and i didn't understand anything.. i mean i took a call from someone and just held the phone to my ear, when she finished talking i put her on hold and left her...

and suddenly i thought "i'm gonna cry"

and i thought "i'm gonna cry for no reason in a second"

and the next thing i knew my legs had swept me up and rushed to the ladies... where i burst into tears.

long and hard, passionately even.

i sat there, with the lid down and cried and cried and cried thinking "shit, my make up"
"shit, my eyes are going red"
"shit, what's wrong with me?"
"shit, this is embarassing"

and i cleaned myself up and tried not to look too much like i'd cried and went back to my desk.

then about 10 minutes later it happened again.

but my boss was blocking my way to the ladies... and my mother was standing at my desk... and i thought "shit, i can't hold in these tears"

so i grabbed my handbag and looked for a tissue, then i looked over at the ladies, and put my head down to hide.

and they all spilled out, but i blinked them back for all of 30 seconds, and carried on working, then my mother asked me something and as i answered everything flooded out and my mother stood there and stared, my boss looked shocked as hell, and my mother went to get tissue and i made my way to the ladies and my best friend followed.

and i stood there and cried.

and cried.

and said "nothing's wrong, i don't know why i'm crying"

and my mother and my best friend said it must be stress.

but i do the same goddamn job everyday.

and somedays i do MORE work than i did today.

but today i cried and cried and cried.

and it just made it worse because my boss had blocked my escape route... so everyone saw me crying.

and everyone blamed themselves.

my boss thought he'd upset me.

my manager thought he'd upset me.

my mother thought she'd upset me.

my friend thought everyone had upset me.

but no one had upset me.

and i told them so, i told them straight "don't think for one second you have that much power over my mood"

but i cried.

and i'm embarassed, and now i have to go back tomorrow. and i have this horrible wishy-washy empty feeling in my stomach.

but i have to go back tomorrow and try not to cry, and if i'm going to cry, i hope my boss does not block my way to the ladies toilets.

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--------- e v e r y t h i n g b u t t h e g i r l ---------

Reflection - 2008-07-19
sleep vs awake - 2008-07-19
It's like space cadet, but not. - 2006-06-22
Lucky Me - 2006-05-13
In memory - 2006-01-15